When you grow up without your own voice, learning how to use it is a challenge.
I feared speaking. Saying something wrong meant being corrected. Saying too little becomes expected. Saying too much becomes a chore. Staying quiet was my safety.
Staying quiet meant no one would correct my English, no one would correct my Spanish and no one would correct the concoction of a middle ground I resorted to when I did speak. Silence was safety when I had to be around family members that didn't speak the languages I spoke.
For years, even now, it's my fault I don't know Serbian. Old ladies that claim they love seeing So-and-So's daughter (me) turn their backs on you in the most literal and insulting way. People speak in the language you don't know thinking that the message is only understandable in the language.
News flash, I understood. I was the outsider. Unwanted. Unappreciated. Unneeded.
By the time I reached high school, I found spite. I didn't want to care about people's opinion. I didn't want to be lose my voice completely. But I had to fill that silence now.
How could I fill it? How could I find my voice?
Drama club gave me words to say in an auditorium with dozens of people. Drama club gave me equally-awkward peers to interact with and to learn how to use my voice in a casual setting. I was able to catch up socially. I was able to be a kid playing pretend openly.
This was only the first shock to my mother. She never expected me to throw myself into the theater realm, much less see me thrive in something I grew up being so obviously adverse to.
Speaking wasn't my strong suit. Following words on a page and seeing how to put new meaning in them was new. It was something I could learn to do and do well.
In journalism, it wasn't much different.
My mother was shocked again that I wanted to pursue journalism. It following words with meaning but, finally, it was my words. At 18, I finally got to choose my words and use them well. I could use my voice for myself. I can use it for the little me that never dreamed of my current position or ambitions.
I don't use my voice for myself of today. I use my voice for myself as a child, for who couldn't use it, for who wouldn't use it. My voice will bring justice for myself, righting the wrongs that life gave me. And one day, I'll be able to use my voice for others.
